Episode Transcript
Chris Rodell [00:00:00]:
Today, we'll be talking about aliens, Kecksberg, and some other alien stuff. Hi. I'm Chris Rodell. I've written stories and features for just about every major magazine or publication in America. This is the Use All the Crayons podcast, where I'll share those colorful stories with you. Tell friends that careful mimes can be safe, but never sound. Be prepared to be accused of thinking inside the box. Explain your belief that hunger will end when scientists discover a way for chickens to lay softball sized eggs, but will resume When they realize what's killing all the chickens.
Chris Rodell [00:00:36]:
People who want to appear more colorful get new tattoos. People who want to become more colorful Get library cards. It was 1996, and I remember rooting for Newt Gingrich to overcome his myriad stumbles and do well in his run for the GOP nomination. Gingrich and I share a natural affinity. The race for the GOP nomination promised to be one of the most odd, Shrill and self defeating political events any of us ever witnessed. Really, in this race with no clear favorite, absolutely anything could happen. An unknown might emerge. Strange alliances may be fostered.
Chris Rodell [00:01:09]:
An alien endorsement could vault an underdog straight to the nomination. Many people have forgotten the pivotal role a politically motivated extraterrestrial named Pilad played in American politics. That was back when the Weekly World News was a still a supermarket staple setting brilliant new standards in news gathering. When a woman calls and tells me her toaster is talking to her, I don't diagnose a mental health disorder. I tell her to put the toaster on the phone. To me, that may be the most succinct statement of journalistic purity ever uttered. I heard it from an actual Weekly World News reporter in a tavern in Lantana, Florida where both the Enquire and the Weekly World News shared a building. I was an Enquire correspondent from 1992 to 2000.
Chris Rodell [00:01:49]:
It couldn't have been more fun. In every 6 months or so, they'd fly me to Florida for 2 weeks. There may have been some practical reason for the junkets, but it wound up being purely social. Each and every day, reporters from all the various tabloids would gather at the same divey bar and try and outdo one another with stories from the world's most raucous outlaw publications. Hands down, the winners were always guys from the Weekly World News. Sample headline, man's 174 mile per hour sneeze blows wife's hair off. There was bad boy Bigfoot and the alien Pylod and his uncanny ashtray sized eye for picking presidential winners. For years, I had a Weekly World News T shirt featuring a 1992 cover of the one where Pilod correctly picked Bill Clinton who All, I'm glad he saw through Bush and Perot.
Chris Rodell [00:02:30]:
I just think of that wise eye alien anytime Gingrich's name pops up. It was 1995 just after Gingrich's late mother, Kathleen, made headlines for whispering to Connie Chung that Newt thought Hillary Clinton was a bitch. It ignited a huge controversy. It It was into this hornet's nest that I was thrust. Inquirer had a tip that a family housekeeper was seducing mama Gingrich and with a wacky religion as a way to steal 1,000 of dollars. It became one of the most hostile interview situations I'd ever endured. Not because of Kathleen who was perfectly pleasant. No.
Chris Rodell [00:03:00]:
It was because of Gingrich's stepfather, Robert, who had become an impromptu media critic. He kept glaring at me and ask insinuating questions about my background, my politics, and who the utterly apolitical Inquirer endorsed in the previous election. I began to realize he'd never read a single newspaper when he asked if the The was the paper that had run the picture of Newt with Bigfoot. No, sir, I said. That was the New York Times. Tip turned out to be untrue. We never wrote anything about the rumor. As for what happened to, Pilod who knows? I hope he still has something to say.
Chris Rodell [00:03:28]:
I hope he has guidance to offer. I hope there's at least 1 journalist out there who's not so cynical as to disregard the insights of a savvy old alien, and I hope the talking toaster lets them get a word in edgewise. Colorful living tips of the day. The older you get, the better you understand how families are god's way of proving we're incapable of helping even those we love The most. Plan accordingly. Number 764. Remember to ask anyone who works in a crime lab if employees ever sit around singing, Someday my prints will come, like fingerprints. I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options, so I'm fine with Mexicans.
Chris Rodell [00:04:12]:
In Thai, Japanese, French, Chinese, Italian, and some The South American nations I have trouble telling apart. Really, I'd be fine if we'd slam the door shut on English, Swedes and Germans, all ends on my ancestors because they bring nothing to the table. I enjoy fish and chips, but really, none of us is ever that far from a Long John Silver's drive thru, and The duplication would be unnecessary. I have a lot of Swedish blood in me, but that doesn't mean I need any Swedish food in my belly. I'm proud of my Swedish heritage, and that can be summed up in 2 words, ABBA and IKEA. But the only time I'll still reach for Swedish meatballs is when they stop making them the way the Italians do. I've had some fine German meals, but I have to wind up inadvertently spitting all over the poor waitress when I say, and I'll have some of The. It was a summer of aliens.
Chris Rodell [00:04:59]:
It seemed like they were all over the news. Stephen Hawking was proposing we spend $100,000,000 to detect alien life. NASA's near daily announcing the discovery of new earth like planets. I suspect alien life is already here on earth. I see so many people behaving with so little civility. I have to wonder if they were ever raised on another planet. They talk during movies, viciously disparage opposing viewpoints on Facebook, and wear wildly inappropriate clothes to the wave pools. No way these people get erased by earthlings.
Chris Rodell [00:05:26]:
NASA announced it had found 8,800,000,000 planets that could sustain life. That's so far enough For all 7,000,000,000 of us, they each have planets of our very own, and that's not counting moons. Talk about needing some space. They say these planets have atmosphere, water, similar suns, Calendar years and topography, all the comforts of home. That is if Comcast doesn't run short on cable. I feel like some really slick real estate agent is trying to sell me All home in New Zealand when I'm perfectly content way here over in the sensible side of the planet. I don't want to leave Earth to have to enjoy what I have right here on Earth. It's the same rationale Homer Simpson invoked when he weighed in against vacationing in Canada, a land he referred to as America junior.
Chris Rodell [00:06:06]:
If I read it right, what we're acknowledging is that the human race are just a bunch of parasites with personalities. So look out universe, here come the earthlings. I'm sure the universal word will get around pretty quick, and the rap on us will sound familiar. They're sending people who have lots of problems, and they're bringing their problems with them. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists, and some I assume are good people. All will be well if they can just make one thing clear that will ease the alarm of any occupying ETs.
Chris Rodell [00:06:32]:
We're also bringing pizza. Realize our greatest frustrations stem from demanding perfection from those incapable to providing it. Try and find a sound reason why the Gulf of Mexico isn't called logically and simply The Mexican Gulf. Instead, don't try. It's impossible. It should be called the Mexican Gulf. Let's talk about the 50th anniversary celebration of the Kecksburg UFO incident. Kecksburg is a tiny rural community about 20 minutes from our home.
Chris Rodell [00:07:02]:
On December 9, 1965 at 4:47 PM, locals as far as Pittsburgh were startled by a sonic boom. An inexplicable crash was reported in the wooded area near Kecksburg. Investigators witnesses said they saw an acorn shaped craft about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle in a smoldering pit. It's basehead what one witness described as hieroglyphics etched onto the sides. Soon, shadowy government officials emerged and brusquely ordered everyone to scram. Next, an empty flatbed truck approached the site. It left shortly afterwards, but with an acorn shaped cargo about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle beneath the concealing tarp. The good people of Kecksburg took all this in, and in 2005 came up with one rational conclusion, payday.
Chris Rodell [00:07:43]:
Thus, a typical local volunteer firefighter fair was turned into a 3 day UFO extravaganza, complete with parade and expert speakers like my friend, Stan Gordon, author and producer of this award winning documentary, Kecksburg, The Untold Story. Our friend, Marty, spent 6 months dividing a plan to win the Kecksburg Parade float trophy. Hey. You have your bucket list. Marty has his. He showed up Saturday morning in his basement for a strategic briefing. There were chalkboards, maps, discussion of pivotal roles, etcetera. So So it was like general Eisenhower on the day before D Day invasion, but only with an open bar.
Chris Rodell [00:08:16]:
Everyone had a role. Some were costume aliens, some were military, some were civilians. Val and I were tasked with the relatively lame duty of carrying The sponsoring sign and bringing the entire parade to a complete and sudden 2 minute halt in front of the The' station. We non aliens were issued ET themed shirts. My favorite show two stereotypical alien and the slogan, keep calm and enjoy the probing. Our float, The pickup truck carrying 2 laundry baskets taped together and concealed with a tarp to appear like an acorn shaped UFO, was author in the parade of about 50 elements. About 40 of them, this being Western Pennsylvania, being shiny fire trucks. Things got off to a rocky start when the first two elements raced through the parade route like they were in a hurry to get good seats at Kecksburg VFW.
Chris Rodell [00:08:59]:
It was unfair because that was our goal too, but most of us were on foot by then stumbling. So the intermitable lag made it appear to confuse parade attendees, Our float was The start of an entirely new parade. Honestly, we were worth the wait. Despite temperatures in the nineties, high humidity, and varying stages of inebriation, None of our aliens passed out, which would have been unfortunate, but may have won us points for authenticity. Less afloat and more like a rolling skit, the aliens were hassled the entire way by our uniform military Who hearded the aliens with super soakers squirt guns and shouted at the hapless civilians You didn't see anything. This never happened. It was a great time, and the crowd loved us. That's why we were all stunned we didn't even win a 3rd place trophy.
Chris Rodell [00:09:39]:
I don't know who won, but Barstow conspiracy stories are saying it was all fixed. I'd call for a probe, but in Kecksburg during the UFO festival, you just don't know what calling for a probe will get you. So I'll just stick with the company line. I didn't see a thing. It never happened. If you enjoy the podcast, We urge you to complete the podcast Road to Success Triathlon of share, rate, and review. Be sure to tell all your friends and urge them to do the Thanks to our friends at Headspace Media and Latrobe for technological expertise and for always being gentle on their criticisms. And thanks to Robindale Energy for their gracious and essential support.
Chris Rodell [00:10:22]:
Someday just for the fun of it, Stand on a busy street corner and bark into the cell phone. No. No. No. The incision should be made behind the left ear, the left ear. Come up with your own 6 word biography. Try to match one of the best by humorous and author AJ Jacobs who summed up his entire existence thusly. Born bald, grew hair, bald again.
Chris Rodell [00:10:41]:
All your life, you'll have negative people telling you, you can't do this or you can't do that. They may wind up being correct 98% of the time, But the 2% when they're wrong will be what makes you special. Learn the fine art of knowing precisely when to quit. Thank you. Yes.
