Episode Transcript
Chris Rodell [00:00:00]:
Today, we're gonna be talking about dogs. Companion dogs, purse puppies, guard dogs, bomb sniffers, watchdogs. Hi. I'm Chris Rodell. I've written stories and features for just about every magazine or publication in America. This is the use all the crayons podcast where I will share those colorful stories with you. Colorful living tip 990. Tell people the only time bitch bitch bitch ever turns into something positive is when you're running a thriving dog grooming business.
Chris Rodell [00:00:33]:
First, I want to share a story of the 14 year old Crystal Stone and her dog Blue. It's fairly typical for the kinds of stories I was doing for National Enquirer way back when. It had a hero, a villain, and a tail wagging protagonist. It stands out to me because the story had one of my favorite headlines, which, in this case, we'll reveal last. But before we get there, you need to know that Blue wasn't. Blue was brown. He was a brown mutt. But 14 year old girls don't need logic when it comes to naming their animals.
Chris Rodell [00:01:00]:
It would have been helpful if Blue had been Blue because that way, a cranky neighbor lady would never have reported the description of the wrong dog to the East Liverpool, Ohio authorities. In that way, animal control officers would never have picked up Blue and caged him for menacing neighborhood children. Blue wasn't there when Crystal got off the school bus that day. She started to knock on doors, becoming increasingly distraught with every rejection. No, the neighbors all said. We haven't seen him. Blue wasn't just her dog. He'd been master sergeant Carl Johnson's dog too.
Chris Rodell [00:01:29]:
He and Crystal had found him at the local shelter just before he deployed for a second tour of duty in Iraq. The trio had been inseparable, but her dad never made it home. Chris felt a big part of her dad was in Blue. It wasn't until dark that they found out that Blue had been taken into custody and was being impounded until the next morning at 8:30. He was looking at a night in The pen. For Crystal, one even one night was too much. She waited until her mother had gone to sleep, then she snuck in and stole her car keys. Police later said that they couldn't believe she'd gotten in.
Chris Rodell [00:01:59]:
She'd climbed onto the roof by scampering up a drain pipe, found an unlatched skylight, and dropped straight down on the director's desk. She found Blue, freed him, and out the door they went. Liberty, but not for long. Didn't take long for the police to realize who broke into the shelter and took just one dog. They were at her door the next morning. Crystal was now facing a string of property charges. I plead guilty, she told reporters. I'd crawl through hell to keep Blue from having to spend even one night away from home.
Chris Rodell [00:02:27]:
I wrote The story that energized inquiry readers to help get the case thrown out. Justice prevailed. And thank goodness it did. Had it not, we might never have seen the headline, puppy love turned girl 14 into a petty thief. Colorful living tip number 95. Tell friends you've figured out a sure way to become famous. Teach your dog how to sing bark, I want you to want me. Congratulations.
Chris Rodell [00:02:53]:
You've taught an old dog cheap trick. I've written previously about the time our 7 year old told me that it says in the bible I have to love Snickers, our dog. She's maybe the The first rabbinical scholar who wears a ponytail, is missing her 2 front teeth, and dresses in Hello Kitty pink. She swears it's true. It says so right in the bible, she says. You have to love your dog, so you have to love Snickers. And she's always sticking out her tongue at me and calling me mister Stinky. I can only conclude she hasn't gotten to the part where God says she's supposed to honor her father and mother.
Chris Rodell [00:03:26]:
I have to love the dog? For God's sake, isn't it enough that I have to be nice to in laws? Being told you have to love someone or something is one of the most loathsome circumstances in human existence. Happens in arranged marriages and to those forced to care for crazy old uncles. Being forced to love Snickers is worse. If I was in arranged marriage, I know I'd at least be getting a little sex out of the deal because it says in the bible The the wife has to put out for her husband. At least, that's what I keep telling my wife. And there are upsides to caring for a crazy old uncle because you know someday he's bound to die. He might have some loot stashed away for you to plunder seconds after you're done pissing all over his grave. The only motivation for me to love Snickers is purely negative.
Chris Rodell [00:04:06]:
I know if I do not, I'll lose the love of my darling daughters, and that would break my heart. I'll persevere steadfast in the knowledge that there is nothing that would cause me to lose the love of the boys at the bar, so I'll still manage. God's blessed me with the gift of resilience. Having Snickers for a pet is like having an in house squirrel that barks. Part chihuahua, part terrier, nothing about him conveys relaxation. He barks at passing cars, birds, neighbors, thunder, clouds, wind, loud farts, you name it. His ears are so alert, he barks at the sound a single leaf makes when it hits the ground outside our house. And we live in the woods.
Chris Rodell [00:04:05]:
His barks always make me think of the jagged scratchings on California seismographs when they begin to detect the San Andreas fault is about to separate. Somehow, I've managed to overcome this nerve wracking hysteria to become sort of chummy with him. I no longer shove him off my lap when he comes up to snuggle, and I try to sound less impatient when I'm out there cheerleading him to stop sniffing the earth and just poop, for Pete's sake. But the dog keeps making it more and more difficult. Lately, it's all his licking. He licks everything. He licks the couch cushions. He licks the carpet.
Chris Rodell [00:05:11]:
He licks Lucy's face seconds before he licks parts of himself that would make human contortionists twist their heads in disgust. The worst part? Anytime he licks anything, he stares straight at me. Have you seen the Miley Cyrus wrecking ball video? In it, she licks the hard part of the sledgehammer in a move I sense is meant to turn me on. I have no idea what Snickers is trying to convey by staring at me because he's even less sexy than Cyrus. It creeps me out, so I'll be trying to drift off, and there in the dark, it'll commence. It's like a porn soundtrack being played on TV with a broken screen, and I know the whole time he's staring straight at me. Whether or not the The bible tells me so, Lucy's right. For the sake of the family cohesion, I do have to love Snickers.
Chris Rodell [00:05:56]:
That means I need to endure all the barking and all the other disgusting pastimes. That means Snickers has me right where he wants me. I'm licked.
Chris Rodell [00:06:06]:
I'm going to name our next dog Gusto so I can spend my days lounging on the couch, drinking beer, and still contend I'm living life with gusto. News The terrorists will soon be smuggling bombs surgically implanted in their bodies has me realizing again I have commitment issues. Where do they find these zealots? Where do they find these doctors? Is this some sort of procedure covered under the new health care law? Republicans will go ballistic if they find out they're really going ballistic, as addressed on page 1293. My body is my temple, and I'm picky about its desecrations. No matter the cause, I'd never smuggle a subcutaneous explosive device to a public event. I save my zealotry for screwing millionaire mulas, or is it moolahs, who charge $12 for warm domestic beer at professional sporting events. It's impossible for me to count the number of times I've inserted beers and liquor into my my body and sneak them into various Pittsburgh sports arenas. Of course, don't surgically insert them.
Chris Rodell [00:07:04]:
I pour them in my stomach before entering the buildings, and as always, thoughtfully recycle the cans. I never dream of going on some back alley quacks and having them zipper full cans of beer into my hip. Unless they're taking a single stick of dynamite, the extreme scheme sounds to me as far fetched as it does impractical. The whole thing again convinces me jihad recruiters must have been diabolically persuasive. We want you to join the movement. Yes. We want you to be prepared to sacrifice. Yes.
Chris Rodell [00:07:31]:
We want you to see doctor Zohari tomorrow at 10 AM. He's going to remove a kidney and fill the vacancy with TNT. If that doesn't kill you, we want you to board the red eye to London and detonate the new explosive kidney over the Atlantic. Cool? Uhhhhh Couldn't I start my way up by firing up The Internet chat rooms and just work my way up? And you thought airport pat downs were already too invasive. A radio report said specifically trained dogs would be deployed to the airports to combat the threat. I heard this and immediately thought of my old dog, Casey. A sweet, aggressively affectionate golden retriever, he'd be perfect. Then I learned I'd misheard.
Chris Rodell [00:08:05]:
They were talking about bomb sniffing dogs. Casey was a bum sniffing dog. Still, a dog like him would be perfect in tedious security lines. Think about it. Any doctor who'd agree to perform this procedure couldn't possibly have the refined skills of the pros who work at places like the Mayo Clinic. After all, what they're doing is a clear violation of what Homer Simpson calls their hippopotamus oath. So if you're going to get a dangerous explosive implanted in your torso, timing is key. You're likely going to go on a beeline in still tender condition from the operating room straight to the The airport.
Chris Rodell [00:08:35]:
That's when you'd say hello to Casey. I just enjoyed introducing Casey to refined and dignified women. I think it happened to me twice. Oh, what a beautiful doggy, they'd gush while bending over, way over to see his luscious blonde hair. Then quick as a burglar, Casey was behind them, goosing as snoot in places where only the boldest proctologists go. The effect was similar to what would happen if a surgically implanted explosive device went off in their rear ends. Their arms would flail, their hairdo would go Einstein, and they'd scream in equal parts of terror and delight. They'd emerge from the intimacy looking disheveled but oddly invigorated.
Chris Rodell [00:09:08]:
So a dog like Casey would be an extraordinary boon to airport security. He'd be sure to startle any would be terrorists into postsurgical heart attacks. And he'd appease aclu of busybodies by never racially profiling. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, it wouldn't matter. We'd all get a vigorous butt snuffling from a dog they always remember with fond affection. I miss that dog. With him, it was just the opposite. That dog never missed.
Chris Rodell [00:09:33]:
If you enjoy the podcast, we urge you to complete the podcast Road to Success Triathlon of share, rate, and review. Be sure to tell all your friends and urge them to do the same. Thanks to our friends at Headspace Media in Latrobe for technological expertise and for always being gentle in their criticisms. And thanks to Robindale Energy for their gracious and essential support. Interested in visiting Latrobe and the lovely Laurel Highlands? Start your journey at golaurelhighlands.com, or stop at the Landmark Tin Lizzie, just down the street from world famous La Trobe Country Club, and ask for me. Learn the fine art of knowing precisely when to quit. Thank you. Yes.
